You know when you feel something tugging on your heart and not only does it not go away, but it only grows? This post is most certainly that.
Before I go any further, I feel that it's important to say that this post is for everyone's ears and for all to read, no matter your place in life. Yes, it's about relationships and being single, but it's equally (if not more so) for those in relationships who desire to see all those who are single enter into one themselves eventually.
I've been single for as long as I can remember (aka my whole life) and, for the majority of it, haven't wanted to be single. For so long, I would've done anything and everything to be in a relationship and it was the deepest desire of my heart, and still is a priority to this day. I knew without anyone mentioning it or asking me about it who the attractive guys around me were, how great it would be to be pursued by someone, and what all of my options for finding a date were. What didn't help and many times made things worse was people regularly asking me if I was interested in anyone, pointing out the single guys who I should have my eye on, or giving me advice without it being asked for. I didn't need any of this, I was already in a sad and emotional place over the lack of anyone showing interest in me and the lack of dating opportunities.
Now please do not misread this as bitterness or anger, for it is far from that. I am so appreciative for all of those who care enough about me, and those who are single, to ask and to wonder. I know this questioning and commenting does not come at all from a place of ill intent or judgement.
However, my encouragement is: Give the single people in your life and community some space to own being single and to find contentment in this season without unintentionally being reminded of the fact that they are not in a relationship.
1. We must stop thinking that being single is somehow not being fully successful in life, or less in someway than being in a relationship. Marriage and dating isn’t better or worse than being single, it’s just different.
I have been in many conversations and have seen many social media posts, many of which were within the last month, about this topic of singleness. The unfortunate common theme in all of them is that so many of us who are single are inadvertently made to feel like we are somehow less successful or like we're doing something wrong by being single. I think these feelings come from the questions we are asked and the comments, such as "are you dating anyone?", "you know so-and-so is single, has a great job, and leads worship", "have you ever thought about online dating?", or "you are so wonderful, why isn't anyone interested in you?".
I have come to realize that the root of why people (sometimes even myself included) ask or comment is because they just want us to be happy and society has portrayed this idea that happiness comes with finding love. Although that is often true, it does not need to be romantic love. These questions and comments imply that where we currently are at in life isn't fulfilling enough or happy enough and that being in a relationship is what we need to find this fulfillment and happiness.
2. Even if someone looks like they are ready for a relationship, it's very likely that there are other things going on in their lives (whether they realize it or not) that need their attention more than a relationship does, or that there are reasons as to why they should not be dating someone at the moment.
I was recently struck smack in the fact by this notion when a situation I did not expect arose in my life and required months of intensive and hard spiritual work on my part. However, because I did not advertise my extremely difficult circumstances, on the outside I looked like my life was normal. I can understand why many thought that I had nothing else going on that would hinder me from being ready for a relationship and that I should be dating someone due to my age, career, personality, etc. Many times, I was asked the questions and was told the cutesy remarks about how I should date someone or how it was "my time". Each time, I grinned, took it in, made some witty comment, and moved along giving no indication that it stung. Yet, each time, it was a reminder to me of the fact that I wasn't where I wanted to be or thought I would be in many areas of my personal and spiritual life.
I've seen time and time again people who are single and confused about why suddenly get a promotion or new opportunity at work, move to a new city or country, experience a tragedy in their family, be called to focus on a specific area of their life, or have countless other unexpected situations occur. Only God knows that these things are going to take place and only He knows that a relationship may simply get in the way or not mesh with the upcoming life change. Although it seemed they were perfectly ready for a relationship (which what does "ready" even mean?), God had other plans. We must trust in this and not try to force it in another direction.
3. Being single is in no way, shape, or form a direct correlation with your level of spirituality or relationship with God.
So often, people who seem to be doing well spiritually or are in leadership positions get asked why they aren't scooped up already since they're so spiritually mature. Although spiritual maturity is needed in a healthy relationship, it isn't the step that comes immediately before being asked out on a date. I know that I wasn't doing all of the work on myself and growth with the Lord that I have been so that the end goal would be a relationship. Instead, I realize that this was to make me a better and more confident person for myself and for all of those around me, which would perhaps one day include a boyfriend and husband.
4. If you have someone (or multiple someones) in your life who is single and who you would love to see start dating someone, it is more helpful to ask them other questions and engage in other topics of conversation about their life that help them grow rather than commenting about their romantic possibilities.
Being in a good, fulfilling, and healthy relationship is about much, much more than just being the object of someone's affection and nabbing a free dinner. We all know this and can agree, yet the questions that are asked oftentimes imply that that's the most important thing we should focus on. Being set up for a healthy and long-lasting relationship involves every aspect of your life, so why not ask your single friends about those things instead. I would much rather someone encourage me and show interest in how my job is going, what I've been learning about in my quiet time with God, how my friendships are growing, and how I am becoming more confident and content within myself, than asking me who I am interested in or commenting about my lack of a love life.
I know that these areas I just listed aren't as "juicy" as asking about a potential guy or girl that we may be interested in or that is interested in us, but they are so much more uplifting and beneficial to our overall growth that could maybe one day lead to a relationship. If you want to see someone who is single start a relationship, focus on the whole person and every aspect included, despite how non-juicy it may seem. Like I mentioned earlier, it's beyond possible that a potential date is the last thing on someone's mind or even that it's negatively affecting their personal growth to talk about it. I know that no one wants to be someone who hinders their friend or family member's growth and confidence, but you may just be doing that by asking constantly about their relationship life. You also don't want to be the person who wrongly leads your friend into pursuing someone who is so wrong for them where they, in turn, get their heart broken.
5. Remember that guys and girls can hang out and have conversations without being attracted to each other.
I can't even tell you how many times I was in a substantial conversation with a guy or hanging out one-on-one for even five minutes with a guy where I was asked afterwards if we liked each other. More often than not, the answer was no. I think it's crucially important for guys and girls to be able to sit down together, talk, hang out, be friends, and maybe even grab a coffee without everyone else assuming that they are attracted to each other. Now, I am not saying that guys and girls should be pouring out their deepest thoughts and hearts to each other in an inappropriate way, however, intentional guy/girl interaction should not be reserved only for when there's an attraction beyond friendship. If so, we suddenly revert back to a middle school dance with the girls on one side and the guys on the other... which we all know is mad awkward.
6. Trust that those who are single know that you love them and only want the best for them, even without you asking about their love lives.
I have been so blessed with a community of people around me of all ages who want to see me as happy as possible and thriving in every area. I know that is rare and I do not take that for granted. I think the natural result of having people who want to see you at your best is that they look for areas where there is perceived to be something lacking and they then try to fill it the best they know how. In the area of relationships, those who love you often think that being single is a gap they need to help fill by finding you someone to date. I have come to a place of not getting angry or annoyed by this and instead just accepting it as a sign of their love for me, however, I know this can get old quick.
For those of you who want to see your single friend or family member in a relationship because you think they deserve it, would be a great partner, or are ready to date, I would encourage you to not try and force fill this gap for them. Instead, pray for them and love them in every other way. I'm sure they are aware of the fact that they are single and doing what they feel is best to move forward in whatever way in that area. It is not your job to try and fix this for them, although I know the majority of the time it is out of love or wanting to help them out.
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In this world of constant social media relationship, engagement, and marriage announcements, let's do all that we can to encourage and empower those of all relationship statuses, especially those who are single, to live their most confident and content lives knowing that they are loved just the way they are.
💜
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