1. a person or thing that does something, especially a person who gets things done with vigor and efficiency.
2. a person characterized by action, as distinguished from one given to contemplation.
I am without a doubt a doer. I don't just think about things that I want, I take action. I was raised by two people who are amazing doers, and it is deep within me to see a problem or to want something and, instead of waiting around, I just go ahead and try to make it happen. For most of my life, this has been used as a blessing for me and for the people around me. Because of this, waiting is something I am not good at. I either give up and move on or I begin to make it happen myself. I've rarely encountered a situation or a struggle that I so badly wanted to come about that was completely beyond my control or that I couldn't somewhat make happen in some form myself... until now.
In January 2016, the Lord began to reveal to me that He was going to soon make my lifelong dream of a relationship and marriage into a reality. Along with being a doer, I've always been a hopeless romantic who has dreams of marrying my perfect Prince Charming, but never has been in a relationship. When the Lord gave me glimpses that these dreams may soon come true, despite no perfect man in sight, I was beyond thrilled. Throughout the next few months, He put people in my path and intense words in my heart (that ended up in notes on my computer and in my journal) that were so obviously confirmation from Him that He had it all planned out.
He told me everything about this man, such as what he looks like, what kind of a person he is, who his family will be, what it will be like when we meet, and all in extreme detail. He even told me what he'd be wearing... a light blue shirt and tan pants. He told me how this journey would be a testimony and bring all the glory to Him. I had never experienced anything quite this clear or intense in my life. All of these words and situations made my faith, excitement, and anticipation shoot through the roof. I couldn't believe that God was making this man who only existed in my wildest dreams soon to be a reality. It was everything I wanted and more!
Now, just as my faith was sky high, so was my longing to make it happen and to know all of the details. I immediately began to assume how things would go down and plan my life accordingly. I thought I heard from the Lord that I would meet him mid-July and that, once we met, things would be quick, so I assumed we'd have a short dating time (because it would of course be obvious), be engaged by Thanksgiving (yes, this November, as in 2016) and get married Summer 2017. Let's just say God had slightly different plans. July came and went. August passed, as did September and October, and still this perfect man was nowhere to be found. For a while, I was doing well with it, my faith still going strong.
"Okay, God, perhaps you didn't mean I'd meet him mid-July, but maybe that's when he noticed me for the first time."
"Maybe I didn't pray enough about it so you're delaying it to make me learn that lesson."
"I guess he isn't ready, even though you said back in January that he was, and I have to wait until he is, even though I am totally ready."
"Did I not hear you correctly? Maybe you didn't even speak to me, and was it all just me making it up because I want it so badly."
These were all of the thoughts that began to run through my head as days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, and there was no visible progress in my journey. I have to be honest and say that frustration and desperation was setting in strong. I couldn't understand why God wasn't bringing about the things that He said He would. What was wrong with me or with my relationship with Him that made Him delay it and make me wait? Maybe I didn't hear Him correctly, or maybe He didn't speak to me at all and maybe I was running headfirst in the wrong direction. Should I just start to act on things myself and hope for the best?
As these doubts began to take root in me, I reverted back to all of my old doer ways. I began to try to control the situation and make things happen in my time and in my ways, even though the whole time I knew I was wrong to do so. I was just so frustrated and impatient and confused. My brain was literally running a mile a minute with a million different thoughts and analyzing every possible thing, trying to figure it out. The questions that people usually ask when you're single like "why don't you try online dating?" or "what about so-and-so?" or "why don't you just ask so-and-so out?" that usually I would be so against were actually seeming like viable options, even though I knew God had something different for me.
I was thinking about this situation so much that I stopped focusing on how blessed I was in the present day and I let the enemy suck out so much of my true joy. There aren't really enough words to accurately describe how deep down in this doubt and confusion I got for a while. I kept asking God "why is this happening?" and "how much longer?" and "God please just bring him quickly" and I wasn't giving my all to my now and my purpose.
I stopped seeing the purpose in the process. I only saw my personal end goal, and not the fact that God felt that the journey was more important that the destination.
A few weeks ago, I picked up a book called "Wait and See" by Wendy Pope that I had in my room. I bought it months ago during a more optimistic period and started to read it, but became too frustrated in my personal waiting to continue reading. In the first chapter, she talks about David in Psalm 13 who was in his own "how long?" season.
1 O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
2 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?
3 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
4 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
6 I will sing to the Lord
because he is good to me.
It is undetermined when David wrote Psalm 13, but his words give us a snapshot of his circumstances. He was living in a "how long" season and was at his wit's end. He asks four times "how long" just in the first two verses. In just a few short verses, his prayer changes from "how long" to "hallelujah". Through prayer, David remembered God's faithfulness and his ability to provide that He has shown time and time again. Had David's situation changed? Had his enemy suddenly decided to surrender. Of course not! Although David wasn't delivered from the situation and it wasn't solved, he was released from his despair, even though he still didn't know what would happen.
Reading this struck such a heavy chord in me. Why was I trying to make things happen and doubt God just because of the sole reason that this waiting period was longer than I expected? Did the fact that nothing was happening in my ideal timeframe mean that it wouldn't happen at all? I realized that what we consider waiting or a pause, God actually defines as Him working in the heavenlies on things we cannot see. That is where trust and faith must kick in hardcore, and where I have to put my doer ways to work for God's purpose, not my own personal benefit. Wendy Pope writes, "We can trust God in our 'how long' waiting period. He will sustain us until He is ready to deliver us. And we can be confident that that our deliverance will be perfectly timed."
Philippians 4:6-7 says "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He's done. Then you will experience God's peace, which surpasses anything we can understand. His peace will guard your heart and mind as you live in Messiah Yeshua."
If you yourself are also in a waiting period or in a time of confusion about what God is doing, be encouraged by this: God never sits still. God is the ultimate doer. He is constantly at work crafting and executing the best and most perfect plans for our lives. All He asks in return is that we trust Him, not letting the enemy's seeds of doubt take root, and that we live with joy and praise to Him in our now. This journey is hard, no one ever promised it would be easy, but when we live it with joy and laughter and praise and peace, we will never fall short of the goodness God has for us. Just as Peter, when he was walking on water in Matthew 14, only began to fall when he took his eyes off of Yeshua, so we will only begin to fall and doubt when we take our eyes off of how good and able God is to meet all of our needs according to his perfect plan and all for His glory.
My season of waiting isn't over, and I still haven't "the one". I still greatly long to be united with my future husband and begin our relationship together. None of that has gone away, but I am at peace, that goes beyond what I can figure out or make happen, because I trust in the one who knows how it all comes to be. I'm not saying this journey is now suddenly easy or that it doesn't come with struggles, because it certainly does, but I have learned that there is only one way to have pure joy and consistent faith. Every day, I must not ask "how long" or "why", but instead think and speak with purpose like James 1:2-4.
"When troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."
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