I Did It. I Jumped.

One year ago today, I jumped.

For years, I used this image to illustrate the process of when I do something challenging that takes faith or carries a lot of unknown. I always knew that I was a capable person who could figure out the first steps of something challenging. I knew in the end it would probably all be okay from what I’d been taught in life. It was the middle that carried my fears. What if I jumped and I couldn’t actually make it to the other side? What if I jumped and God wasn’t there like I needed him to be to help? What if no one was loyal enough to me through the mess it all? What if I wasn’t actually all that capable of making the hard jump? What if the jump was awful and emotional and hard? I feared all of it.

During Messiah Conference in July 2018, I gave a message on exactly this topic and how I’d walked through leaps of faith like this prior. What I didn’t realize then was how small the leaps of the past would be in comparison to the jump God had in store for me.

For most of my life, becoming a teacher was one of the most prominent parts of my identity. I read to my dolls and stuffed animals as soon as I could talk. I helped teach my brother, younger students, and my peers in any way I was able to throughout my childhood and teenage life. I graded papers from my mom’s middle school students at my fancy desk with my colored pens as an elementary school kid. I set up her school’s classrooms over the summer with bright bulletin board paper and borders. I made sure that my high school academics set me up to get into the best college for elementary education. I soaked in all that I could while attending two well-respected education programs for my undergrad and masters degrees. I got a job at the school where I student taught, and the only school I applied to, straight out of college. I devoted my days and nights to my students and made lifelong relationships with students, families, and co-workers through seven years of teaching. It was my dream. It was my identity.

On April 1st, 2019, it all changed.

After months of daily crying, panic attacks and anxiety, heaviness, and complete and total burn out, I resigned. I had no choice but to leave what was my dream and my identity. In an instant, I set up to take the jump, whether I liked it or not, not knowing an ounce of what was in store or who I would be without teaching.

I was recently talking to a close friend about what monumental moments in our lives we would choose to show our teenage selves and what feelings about those moments stand out. Immediately my heart started pounding and emotions welled up in me as I verbalized for the first time every emotion that I felt as I made that jump. I remember all of it.

The uncontrollable sadness I felt the two days prior with no clue why I just couldn’t stop crying.

The incomprehensible peace I had sitting in the meeting with my bosses and speaking out loud the words “Okay, I guess I’ll resign”.

The overwhelming support I could physically feel from my family, friends, co-workers, and school families through texts, conversations, emails, hugs, tears, classroom visits, and calls all throughout my last school day and the days following.

The awe of opening my blinds to see the most vivid pink and purple sunrise the morning of my last day.

The awful heartbreak as I sat with my students telling them the news and as we cried together and hugged so tightly.

The total surety packing up my things that last afternoon with my mom and two amazing and loyal friends.

The complete closure standing arm-in-arm with my mom looking at the school building one last time.

The lightness as I drove home that day, a stark contrast to the heaviness I felt for months prior on the exact same drive.

The joy thinking about how open my future was to hopes and goals that I was unable to begin in months and years prior.

The freedom as I could finally take a breath without the weight of everything on my shoulders.

The calm contentment confidently knowing this was exactly where I was supposed to be, even if I was completely unable to visualize what the current day held for me let alone the weeks to come.

The total hope I clung onto, trusting that God would lovingly guide me through whatever growth and path He had in His perfect will for me.

As I reflect on the last 365 days and what the Lord has guided me through, I can’t help but feel so incredibly proud of myself.

I listened to the song “Seasons” by Hillsong probably a thousand times in the days following my last day teaching. I felt so inspired by the lyrics “Though the winter is long, even richer the harvest it brings”. I knew God was allowing me to enter a season of rest and, although I knew nothing about what was coming up ahead, I knew it was going to produce good things. Little did I know then how good it would be.

This season of winter-like rest enabled me to slow down. To have time. To have silence. All of which have led me to a place of full confidence in who I am and who God made me to be.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that who I am does not depend on what other people think of me, include me in, or project onto me.

I feel empowered to share my struggles and my uncertainty with others, knowing that being vulnerable does not equal weakness but in fact strength.

I have peace that those whose friendship or presence has lessened in my life or gone completely is not due to any flaw in me or anything I could’ve done more or less of.

I can walk through open doors to possibilities that were not available before nor was I ready for before.

I put full and complete trust in the Lord’s beautiful plan, loving that I can’t figure out any of the “whats ifs” or control any of it on my own.

I am passionate about investing in the people around me to show them how loved and valued they are.

None of this growth has come from my own will, control, or strength. It was all God. It was all in His plan. It was all because of his love and loyalty that never let me go out of his grip as He led me down this journey.

I did it, I jumped, God made it clear that He wanted nothing else. And you know what? Just like always, God was right there to catch me, guide me, grow me, love me, encourage me, and teach me as only He and His perfect all-knowing will can so I could land confidently and fully on the other side.

The Balance of the Ups and Downs

I could lie to you and tell you it was the best, most celebratory experience taking this picture with my kids for World Down Syndrome Day. However, that would be sugarcoating an afternoon activity that took twenty minutes (and should’ve taken two) and produced some very serious grey hairs on my head. 

I began venting to a friend about how I felt trying to get 25 wiggly first graders who were hangry and cranky to take this photo without them beating each other up. I said how unfortunately I was probably going to post it with some caption that praised the fabulousness of the day (of which there was a lot) and let people in on zero part of the frustration I felt in the moment taking this photo. In that conversation, I realized that is often the same balance that those of us who have a loved one with Down Syndrome juggle on a regular basis - sharing the highlights in the most real and true form. 

I absolutely love and adore my brother and living life alongside him, with everything that is in me. I wouldn’t change anything about our family or him. However, there are moments and aspects that frustrate me to no end, weighing heavily on my heart, that I often choose not to share with most people.

Some are things that Josh does, like frequently refusing to do what we ask of him in a timely manner or ever at all, having a meltdown in a public place or in front of our friends, or constantly moving or throwing away my personal belongings in our shared bathroom because they’re not where he wants them to be. Perhaps these are things that others experience with their own “typical” siblings but in a different or lesser way… I don’t know.

Some frustrations are things other people do. We go through others not thinking to invite him to watch a football game or hang out with a group until I speak up for him, looking to my parents or me to ask what he is saying as if he’s speaking another language, using a tone of voice or verbiage that they would use with a child, assuming what he is or is not capable of or what he does and does not want to do, or making ignorant stereotypical remarks such as “they’re always just so happy and loving”. 

I often set aside these frustrations and my fierce sister bear advocacy wrath as I strive to shed only a positive light on Down Syndrome and those in this Downs community. But the reality is that he and this life I’ve been blessed to live with him are truly the best. He is the reason for so many of the best things in my life, and he is the reason I chose to teach and love those with hurdles of their own to overcome. 

Again, I’d be lying if I said that fiercely loving someone with Downs, as well as teaching and encouraging complex little kids, is easy. Neither is easy. However, both are insanely worth it. Those I have met with Downs and my students are all creative, hilarious, brilliant, unique, kind, and worthy of the same love and inclusivity that is given to all. That’s the positive reality. 

Even as I write this, I find myself smiling at the millions of reasons why every single day with Josh is beautiful. His smile can literally light up any room. He has a “cool dude” swagger walk where he puts his hands in his pocket and pretends like no one else is around. I can always count on his consistent goodnight routine with each one of us in the house. He blows my mind with his intelligence and mental ability, contradictory to what his IQ number shows. He is unapologetically himself and is boldly and confidently who God made him to be. The list of why he is so special is endless which is why painting a positive picture of the life we live with him comes so simply.

I recently read a quote that said “Happy is a mood. Positivity is a mindset.” So although living with and advocating for someone with Down Syndrome may often require ten extra doses of patience and cause an unfortunate awareness of the injustice around us, I choose to look through the lens of the millions of blessings God has brought to my life and my community through Josh. I don’t think the end of the ripple effect of Josh’s life, love, and diagnosis will ever fully be reached. 

This balance of sharing the positive truth of what Down Syndrome looks like along with sharing the sometimes challenging elements of Down Syndrome can be a fine line to walk. Although the line can be sprinkled with hurdles, its solid foundation is made of blessings that I will always recognize and advocate for every chance I get.

To Those Who Love

There's often a fear that runs through my head that says, "what if people around us don't value Josh and treat him with the same love and respect that we know he deserves?" This fear is one that I'm sure all parents and immediate loved ones feel for their children, especially when that child has a disability or something that may hinder them from fully defending and protecting themselves or fully being understood. I've seen one too many videos, internet comments, and news reports of people with disabilities being mistreated, abused, and disrespected in such intense ways by others and have come to the awful realization that it is not a guaranteed thing for others to always love and respect Josh. This is why it means more than I can express to have such a beautiful community of people around us who seek to understand and include him in every way possible.

Twenty-four years ago, we were given a purpose and a blessing beyond what we could then understand when Joshua Seth entered our lives. We have come to see that our purpose is to love him fiercely, advocate for his best and greatest, and enlighten all those we meet on how to do the same for him and all those who live with Down Syndrome. The blessing is receiving even greater love in return and growing in ways we never thought possible as individuals and as a family. We chose to accept this sometimes difficult life purpose and the honor of receiving the blessings that come with it.

To those who have willingly and intentionally joined with us hand-in-hand to walk out this purpose and calling.
To those who embody this acceptance in all forms, whether you know him personally or only through social media.
To those who always keep a special eye out for him in larger groups.
To those who ask questions and seek to know more.
To those who show intentionality and go out of your way to include him in all that you do.
To those who value him as an integral member of your friend group and invite him to all get togethers, hang outs, and social gatherings.
To those who partner with us to spread awareness of Down Syndrome, even in the smallest ways.
To those who reach out to him via texts, calls, and FaceTime just like you would with any of your other friends.
To those who know that he is more than a diagnosis or disability, and that he is fully capable of doing anything he sets his mind to.
To those who speak with him like you would with any other 24 year old, and not in a way that is "dumbed down" or like you would speak with a young child.
To those who give him your time in a conversation rather than brushing off what he has to say to focus on those "more important".
To those who focus on him when he is speaking and ask kindly for clarification when you cannot make out what he said, rather than looking to us for a "translation".
To those who don't assume that you know what he can and can't do or does and does not like, but instead are willing to have an open mind that is constantly changed and transformed.
To those who create advocates in your children, friends, and those around you by sharing what you know and your loving experiences with people with Down Syndrome.
To those who treat him as a person with flaws and strengths, not as just some interesting commodity who is "always happy".
To those who see his greatness.
To those who push past your comfort zone to know him and love him
best.
To those who recognize the magnitude of his knowledge and seek to learn more from him about what he knows.
To those who think he's just the coolest person they know.
To those who rock your socks for World Down Syndrome Day.
To those who refuse to use the R word.
To those who listen to my consistent stories and memories of him as he is the most influential person in my life.
To those who continually push for more inclusion, respect, and understanding of those who have Down Syndrome and who have perceived differences.
To those who love.

To all of you, thank you. Thank you for loving our family and our favorite guy in such a powerful and special way. Thank you for realizing the importance of advocacy and standing with us to create further acceptance and respect. Know that you are such a crucial and integral part of the Down Syndrome community, whether you realize it or not, simply because you use your actions to speak louder than words ever could.

The Relationship PSA We All Need To Read

You know when you feel something tugging on your heart and not only does it not go away, but it only grows? This post is most certainly that.

Before I go any further, I feel that it's important to say that this post is for everyone's ears and for all to read, no matter your place in life. Yes, it's about relationships and being single, but it's equally (if not more so) for those in relationships who desire to see all those who are single enter into one themselves eventually.

I've been single for as long as I can remember (aka my whole life) and, for the majority of it, haven't wanted to be single. For so long, I would've done anything and everything to be in a relationship and it was the deepest desire of my heart, and still is a priority to this day. I knew without anyone mentioning it or asking me about it who the attractive guys around me were, how great it would be to be pursued by someone, and what all of my options for finding a date were. What didn't help and many times made things worse was people regularly asking me if I was interested in anyone, pointing out the single guys who I should have my eye on, or giving me advice without it being asked for. I didn't need any of this, I was already in a sad and emotional place over the lack of anyone showing interest in me and the lack of dating opportunities.

Now please do not misread this as bitterness or anger, for it is far from that. I am so appreciative for all of those who care enough about me, and those who are single, to ask and to wonder. I know this questioning and commenting does not come at all from a place of ill intent or judgement.

However, my encouragement is: Give the single people in your life and community some space to own being single and to find contentment in this season without unintentionally being reminded of the fact that they are not in a relationship.

1.    We must stop thinking that being single is somehow not being fully successful in life, or less in someway than being in a relationship. Marriage and dating isn’t better or worse than being single, it’s just different. 

I have been in many conversations and have seen many social media posts, many of which were within the last month, about this topic of singleness. The unfortunate common theme in all of them is that so many of us who are single are inadvertently made to feel like we are somehow less successful or like we're doing something wrong by being single. I think these feelings come from the questions we are asked and the comments, such as "are you dating anyone?", "you know so-and-so is single, has a great job, and leads worship", "have you ever thought about online dating?", or "you are so wonderful, why isn't anyone interested in you?".

I have come to realize that the root of why people (sometimes even myself included) ask or comment is because they just want us to be happy and society has portrayed this idea that happiness comes with finding love. Although that is often true, it does not need to be romantic love. These questions and comments imply that where we currently are at in life isn't fulfilling enough or happy enough and that being in a relationship is what we need to find this fulfillment and happiness.

2.    Even if someone looks like they are ready for a relationship, it's very likely that there are other things going on in their lives (whether they realize it or not) that need their attention more than a relationship does, or that there are reasons as to why they should not be dating someone at the moment.

I was recently struck smack in the fact by this notion when a situation I did not expect arose in my life and required months of intensive and hard spiritual work on my part. However, because I did not advertise my extremely difficult circumstances, on the outside I looked like my life was normal. I can understand why many thought that I had nothing else going on that would hinder me from being ready for a relationship and that I should be dating someone due to my age, career, personality, etc. Many times, I was asked the questions and was told the cutesy remarks about how I should date someone or how it was "my time". Each time, I grinned, took it in, made some witty comment, and moved along giving no indication that it stung. Yet, each time, it was a reminder to me of the fact that I wasn't where I wanted to be or thought I would be in many areas of my personal and spiritual life.

I've seen time and time again people who are single and confused about why suddenly get a promotion or new opportunity at work, move to a new city or country, experience a tragedy in their family, be called to focus on a specific area of their life, or have countless other unexpected situations occur. Only God knows that these things are going to take place and only He knows that a relationship may simply get in the way or not mesh with the upcoming life change. Although it seemed they were perfectly ready for a relationship (which what does "ready" even mean?), God had other plans. We must trust in this and not try to force it in another direction.

3.    Being single is in no way, shape, or form a direct correlation with your level of spirituality or relationship with God.

So often, people who seem to be doing well spiritually or are in leadership positions get asked why they aren't scooped up already since they're so spiritually mature. Although spiritual maturity is needed in a healthy relationship, it isn't the step that comes immediately before being asked out on a date. I know that I wasn't doing all of the work on myself and growth with the Lord that I have been so that the end goal would be a relationship. Instead, I realize that this was to make me a better and more confident person for myself and for all of those around me, which would perhaps one day include a boyfriend and husband.

4.    If you have someone (or multiple someones) in your life who is single and who you would love to see start dating someone, it is more helpful to ask them other questions and engage in other topics of conversation about their life that help them grow rather than commenting about their romantic possibilities.

Being in a good, fulfilling, and healthy relationship is about much, much more than just being the object of someone's affection and nabbing a free dinner. We all know this and can agree, yet the questions that are asked oftentimes imply that that's the most important thing we should focus on. Being set up for a healthy and long-lasting relationship involves every aspect of your life, so why not ask your single friends about those things instead. I would much rather someone encourage me and show interest in how my job is going, what I've been learning about in my quiet time with God, how my friendships are growing, and how I am becoming more confident and content within myself, than asking me who I am interested in or commenting about my lack of a love life.

I know that these areas I just listed aren't as "juicy" as asking about a potential guy or girl that we may be interested in or that is interested in us, but they are so much more uplifting and beneficial to our overall growth that could maybe one day lead to a relationship. If you want to see someone who is single start a relationship, focus on the whole person and every aspect included, despite how non-juicy it may seem. Like I mentioned earlier, it's beyond possible that a potential date is the last thing on someone's mind or even that it's negatively affecting their personal growth to talk about it. I know that no one wants to be someone who hinders their friend or family member's growth and confidence, but you may just be doing that by asking constantly about their relationship life. You also don't want to be the person who wrongly leads your friend into pursuing someone who is so wrong for them where they, in turn, get their heart broken.

5.    Remember that guys and girls can hang out and have conversations without being attracted to each other.

I can't even tell you how many times I was in a substantial conversation with a guy or hanging out one-on-one for even five minutes with a guy where I was asked afterwards if we liked each other. More often than not, the answer was no. I think it's crucially important for guys and girls to be able to sit down together, talk, hang out, be friends, and maybe even grab a coffee without everyone else assuming that they are attracted to each other. Now, I am not saying that guys and girls should be pouring out their deepest thoughts and hearts to each other in an inappropriate way, however, intentional guy/girl interaction should not be reserved only for when there's an attraction beyond friendship. If so, we suddenly revert back to a middle school dance with the girls on one side and the guys on the other... which we all know is mad awkward.

6.   Trust that those who are single know that you love them and only want the best for them, even without you asking about their love lives.

I have been so blessed with a community of people around me of all ages who want to see me as happy as possible and thriving in every area. I know that is rare and I do not take that for granted. I think the natural result of having people who want to see you at your best is that they look for areas where there is perceived to be something lacking and they then try to fill it the best they know how. In the area of relationships, those who love you often think that being single is a gap they need to help fill by finding you someone to date. I have come to a place of not getting angry or annoyed by this and instead just accepting it as a sign of their love for me, however, I know this can get old quick.

For those of you who want to see your single friend or family member in a relationship because you think they deserve it, would be a great partner, or are ready to date, I would encourage you to not try and force fill this gap for them. Instead, pray for them and love them in every other way. I'm sure they are aware of the fact that they are single and doing what they feel is best to move forward in whatever way in that area. It is not your job to try and fix this for them, although I know the majority of the time it is out of love or wanting to help them out.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

In this world of constant social media relationship, engagement, and marriage announcements, let's do all that we can to encourage and empower those of all relationship statuses, especially those who are single, to live their most confident and content lives knowing that they are loved just the way they are.
💜

From "How Long" To "Hallelujah"

"doer" [doo-er]: noun
1. a person or thing that does something, especially a person who gets things done with vigor and efficiency.
2. a person characterized by action, as distinguished from one given to contemplation.

I am without a doubt a doer. I don't just think about things that I want, I take action. I was raised by two people who are amazing doers, and it is deep within me to see a problem or to want something and, instead of waiting around, I just go ahead and try to make it happen. For most of my life, this has been used as a blessing for me and for the people around me. Because of this, waiting is something I am not good at. I either give up and move on or I begin to make it happen myself. I've rarely encountered a situation or a struggle that I so badly wanted to come about that was completely beyond my control or that I couldn't somewhat make happen in some form myself... until now.

In January 2016, the Lord began to reveal to me that He was going to soon make my lifelong dream of a relationship and marriage into a reality. Along with being a doer, I've always been a hopeless romantic who has dreams of marrying my perfect Prince Charming, but never has been in a relationship. When the Lord gave me glimpses that these dreams may soon come true, despite no perfect man in sight, I was beyond thrilled. Throughout the next few months, He put people in my path and intense words in my heart (that ended up in notes on my computer and in my journal) that were so obviously confirmation from Him that He had it all planned out.

He told me everything about this man, such as what he looks like, what kind of a person he is, who his family will be, what it will be like when we meet, and all in extreme detail. He even told me what he'd be wearing... a light blue shirt and tan pants. He told me how this journey would be a testimony and bring all the glory to Him. I had never experienced anything quite this clear or intense in my life. All of these words and situations made my faith, excitement, and anticipation shoot through the roof. I couldn't believe that God was making this man who only existed in my wildest dreams soon to be a reality. It was everything I wanted and more!

Now, just as my faith was sky high, so was my longing to make it happen and to know all of the details. I immediately began to assume how things would go down and plan my life accordingly. I thought I heard from the Lord that I would meet him mid-July and that, once we met, things would be quick, so I assumed we'd have a short dating time (because it would of course be obvious), be engaged by Thanksgiving (yes, this November, as in 2016) and get married Summer 2017. Let's just say God had slightly different plans. July came and went. August passed, as did September and October, and still this perfect man was nowhere to be found. For a while, I was doing well with it, my faith still going strong.

"Okay, God, perhaps you didn't mean I'd meet him mid-July, but maybe that's when he noticed me for the first time." 

"Maybe I didn't pray enough about it so you're delaying it to make me learn that lesson." 

"I guess he isn't ready, even though you said back in January that he was, and I have to wait until he is, even though I am totally ready." 

"Did I not hear you correctly? Maybe you didn't even speak to me, and was it all just me making it up because I want it so badly."

These were all of the thoughts that began to run through my head as days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, and there was no visible progress in my journey. I have to be honest and say that frustration and desperation was setting in strong. I couldn't understand why God wasn't bringing about the things that He said He would. What was wrong with me or with my relationship with Him that made Him delay it and make me wait? Maybe I didn't hear Him correctly, or maybe He didn't speak to me at all and maybe I was running headfirst in the wrong direction. Should I just start to act on things myself and hope for the best?

As these doubts began to take root in me, I reverted back to all of my old doer ways. I began to try to control the situation and make things happen in my time and in my ways, even though the whole time I knew I was wrong to do so. I was just so frustrated and impatient and confused. My brain was literally running a mile a minute with a million different thoughts and analyzing every possible thing, trying to figure it out. The questions that people usually ask when you're single like "why don't you try online dating?" or "what about so-and-so?" or "why don't you just ask so-and-so out?" that usually I would be so against were actually seeming like viable options, even though I knew God had something different for me.

I was thinking about this situation so much that I stopped focusing on how blessed I was in the present day and I let the enemy suck out so much of my true joy. There aren't really enough words to accurately describe how deep down in this doubt and confusion I got for a while. I kept asking God "why is this happening?" and "how much longer?" and "God please just bring him quickly" and I wasn't giving my all to my now and my purpose.

I stopped seeing the purpose in the process. I only saw my personal end goal, and not the fact that God felt that the journey was more important that the destination.

A few weeks ago, I picked up a book called "Wait and See" by Wendy Pope that I had in my room. I bought it months ago during a more optimistic period and started to read it, but became too frustrated in my personal waiting to continue reading. In the first chapter, she talks about David in Psalm 13 who was in his own "how long?" season. 

1 O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?

    How long will you look the other way?

2 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,

    with sorrow in my heart every day?

    How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

3 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!

    Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.

4 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”

    Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love.

    I will rejoice because you have rescued me.

6 I will sing to the Lord

    because he is good to me.

It is undetermined when David wrote Psalm 13, but his words give us a snapshot of his circumstances. He was living in a "how long" season and was at his wit's end. He asks four times "how long" just in the first two verses. In just a few short verses, his prayer changes from "how long" to "hallelujah". Through prayer, David remembered God's faithfulness and his ability to provide that He has shown time and time again. Had David's situation changed? Had his enemy suddenly decided to surrender. Of course not! Although David wasn't delivered from the situation and it wasn't solved, he was released from his despair, even though he still didn't know what would happen. 

Reading this struck such a heavy chord in me. Why was I trying to make things happen and doubt God just because of the sole reason that this waiting period was longer than I expected? Did the fact that nothing was happening in my ideal timeframe mean that it wouldn't happen at all? I realized that what we consider waiting or a pause, God actually defines as Him working in the heavenlies on things we cannot see. That is where trust and faith must kick in hardcore, and where I have to put my doer ways to work for God's purpose, not my own personal benefit. Wendy Pope writes, "We can trust God in our 'how long' waiting period. He will sustain us until He is ready to deliver us. And we can be confident that that our deliverance will be perfectly timed."

Philippians 4:6-7 says "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He's done. Then you will experience God's peace, which surpasses anything we can understand. His peace will guard your heart and mind as you live in Messiah Yeshua."

If you yourself are also in a waiting period or in a time of confusion about what God is doing, be encouraged by this: God never sits still. God is the ultimate doer. He is constantly at work crafting and executing the best and most perfect plans for our lives. All He asks in return is that we trust Him, not letting the enemy's seeds of doubt take root, and that we live with joy and praise to Him in our now. This journey is hard, no one ever promised it would be easy, but when we live it with joy and laughter and praise and peace, we will never fall short of the goodness God has for us. Just as Peter, when he was walking on water in Matthew 14, only began to fall when he took his eyes off of Yeshua, so we will only begin to fall and doubt when we take our eyes off of how good and able God is to meet all of our needs according to his perfect plan and all for His glory. 

My season of waiting isn't over, and I still haven't "the one". I still greatly long to be united with my future husband and begin our relationship together. None of that has gone away, but I am at peace, that goes beyond what I can figure out or make happen, because I trust in the one who knows how it all comes to be. I'm not saying this journey is now suddenly easy or that it doesn't come with struggles, because it certainly does, but I have learned that there is only one way to have pure joy and consistent faith. Every day, I must not ask "how long" or "why", but instead think and speak with purpose like James 1:2-4. 

"When troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."

Down Syndrome: Everything I Wish You Knew

I remember looking through the window at this tiny little baby in a yellow hat with jet black hair peaking out from underneath. I remember only thinking how adorable he was and how I couldn't wait to hold him, not noticing the almond shaped eyes or the health complications. I remember the weeks that followed where my parents and new baby brother spent a lot of time at the hospital. I remember going to visit, although Michael and I were not allowed down their specific hallway. Never once through all of this did I think about or realize how my view on life and all that I know would be drastically impacted by my little brother and his extra chromosome.

It's funny how differently you look at life and at people through a new set of eyes. Something that my parents have said over and over to Michael and me from the beginning is, "People won't always know how to treat him, and so they will look to you to set the example. So treat him how you want him to be treated, and they will follow suit". Although that's quite a high responsibility to put on us, we both know it to be true and have taken this on with pride. What I have realized is most people have never had any close interactions with someone with Downs and have no idea what they are capable of. This doesn't come out of rudeness or ignorance, just a lack of experience. As long as others are open to learning and growing and knowing more about him, I can completely appreciate and respect that. It's okay to not know, it's not okay to not try.

But you see, if I had a dollar for every time someone stared at Josh, gave him a "mhmm" rather than taking the time to understand what he is saying, or excluded him from a conversation, I would unfortunately be a millionaire. People with Downs often have low muscle tone, and that includes the muscles in their tongue, and they often have trouble with producing clear speech. Because of this, it can be difficult to understand sometimes what they are saying. It often means just taking that little bit of extra time to invest in the conversation, which actually means the world. Please know it isn't rude to ask one or two more times what Josh is saying. He, and I, would rather you do that than just pretend like you understand or turn to ask me as if he is speaking another language. Because Josh is such a great speller and oh so smart, he often can spell words for people when they can't understand what he is saying.

Something that hurts the deepest part of my heart is when people stare. It's like no one has ever seen someone with Downs before. I sometimes get so angry that I position myself between him and the person and glare at them with eyes that could shoot fire. What is even worse is that he knows that people stare at him. When he was little, he began asking "why are they staring at me?". We didn't know what to say, so we would just tell him "oh it's because you're so cute". But no one should have to be always stared at. He's just a normal person. That's where the phrase "person first" comes from and why you should say "a person with Down Syndrome", not "a Down Syndrome person".

The moments in life when I am the happiest all somehow involve Josh. I cry tears of joy and pride when I see him worshiping and dancing with all his heart, when I think of how hard he works and how far he's come, when I see him praying for someone, when I see people go above and beyond to be kind to him and allow him to shine, when I come home from a long day and get a running hug from him, and when he cries because I am crying. Another is when I see my friends or other people taking the time to truly build a meaningful friendship with him and invest in him. Those who do this best don't do it out of pity, don't treat him like a little kid, and don't assume automatically that he won't understand. They do it because they truly want to build a friendship and love him, and aren't hesitant or nervous about the "what if's'".

My family has what we call "The Josh Scale". This "scale" has proven to be the best judge of people's character and heart. Why? Because taking the time to build a true relationship with someone with a disability requires stepping outside of your comfort zone, putting forth more effort than you may in a "typical" friendship, and showing the kindest and truest form of your heart.

What most people who take the time to do so realize is that it really isn't all that hard to be friends with Josh. It's so easy that we have affectionately dubbed him Mr. Mayor since he talks to just about anyone anywhere. All you have to do to connect with him is talk about sports, pop culture, babies of all kinds, and most of all ask questions and answer his. He actually is the easiest person I know to talk to because he will never judge you or look down on you and will always be interested in talking with you.

Having Josh in my life has been the greatest blessing. I've learned patience like I never would have otherwise. I've gained such a heart for those who learn and act differently than I do. I've seen life through a pure set of eyes. I've experienced extreme love that never gives up. I've seen the power in creating a connection. I've seen God's miracles firsthand. And most of all, I've gained a best friend.

Should I Build An Altar?

Hebrews 13:10 - We have an altar from which those who minister at the tabernacle have no right to eat.

It’s hard to read through the Old Testament without reading about someone building an altar. I mean, the word “altar” is used 429 times in the Bible, for goodness sake! Noah built the first altar after the flood, which pleased the Lord and He promised there would never be a flood to wipe out creation again. Abraham built one to God after he passed through the land and the Lord promised to give the land to his descendents. In the New Testament, there is the ultimate altars built – the altar of the burnt offering and the altar of incense.

Every time I read about an altar in the Bible, I think to myself “I would never need to build an altar nowadays because no one makes physical sacrifices anymore. That’s some old time Bible tradition.”

When people in Biblical times built an altar, it was built as an act of worship, sacrifice, and renewal, and a marker of a big event or a revelation during their journey with the Lord. Although in modern days we don’t physically build an altar or make a physical sacrifice, these three steps (worship, sacrifice, and renewal) are still required in our relationship with the Lord and building an altar to Him.

People in Biblical times also built altars almost as a remembrance for any and all occasions – times of joy and sorrow, victory and defeat, repentance and celebration. We should do the same. We should mark every occasion that God brings to us by building an altar to God and worship Him, sacrifice our sins, and begin renewal to Him as we lay everything down on it. It is the act of stopping and giving the Lord all we have.

Now I am in no way saying we should stop in the middle of a workday or pull over on the side of the highway to find some rocks and build a physical altar to the Lord every time we feel called to worship Him, or sacrifice something of our flesh to Him, or be renewed in our mindset. Instead, we should stop to praise and adore God for who He is and what He has done. We should recognize that God is the only true God among widespread idolatry. We should stop to make a place among chaos to communicate with God and check our own actions. We should thank God for his almighty plan and promises through trials and tribulations.

Building an altar to the Lord has taken on a new form since Biblical times, but it still is a necessary part of recognizing who God is and solidifying our overwhelming need for Him to run our lives.