From "How Long" To "Hallelujah"

"doer" [doo-er]: noun
1. a person or thing that does something, especially a person who gets things done with vigor and efficiency.
2. a person characterized by action, as distinguished from one given to contemplation.

I am without a doubt a doer. I don't just think about things that I want, I take action. I was raised by two people who are amazing doers, and it is deep within me to see a problem or to want something and, instead of waiting around, I just go ahead and try to make it happen. For most of my life, this has been used as a blessing for me and for the people around me. Because of this, waiting is something I am not good at. I either give up and move on or I begin to make it happen myself. I've rarely encountered a situation or a struggle that I so badly wanted to come about that was completely beyond my control or that I couldn't somewhat make happen in some form myself... until now.

In January 2016, the Lord began to reveal to me that He was going to soon make my lifelong dream of a relationship and marriage into a reality. Along with being a doer, I've always been a hopeless romantic who has dreams of marrying my perfect Prince Charming, but never has been in a relationship. When the Lord gave me glimpses that these dreams may soon come true, despite no perfect man in sight, I was beyond thrilled. Throughout the next few months, He put people in my path and intense words in my heart (that ended up in notes on my computer and in my journal) that were so obviously confirmation from Him that He had it all planned out.

He told me everything about this man, such as what he looks like, what kind of a person he is, who his family will be, what it will be like when we meet, and all in extreme detail. He even told me what he'd be wearing... a light blue shirt and tan pants. He told me how this journey would be a testimony and bring all the glory to Him. I had never experienced anything quite this clear or intense in my life. All of these words and situations made my faith, excitement, and anticipation shoot through the roof. I couldn't believe that God was making this man who only existed in my wildest dreams soon to be a reality. It was everything I wanted and more!

Now, just as my faith was sky high, so was my longing to make it happen and to know all of the details. I immediately began to assume how things would go down and plan my life accordingly. I thought I heard from the Lord that I would meet him mid-July and that, once we met, things would be quick, so I assumed we'd have a short dating time (because it would of course be obvious), be engaged by Thanksgiving (yes, this November, as in 2016) and get married Summer 2017. Let's just say God had slightly different plans. July came and went. August passed, as did September and October, and still this perfect man was nowhere to be found. For a while, I was doing well with it, my faith still going strong.

"Okay, God, perhaps you didn't mean I'd meet him mid-July, but maybe that's when he noticed me for the first time." 

"Maybe I didn't pray enough about it so you're delaying it to make me learn that lesson." 

"I guess he isn't ready, even though you said back in January that he was, and I have to wait until he is, even though I am totally ready." 

"Did I not hear you correctly? Maybe you didn't even speak to me, and was it all just me making it up because I want it so badly."

These were all of the thoughts that began to run through my head as days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, and there was no visible progress in my journey. I have to be honest and say that frustration and desperation was setting in strong. I couldn't understand why God wasn't bringing about the things that He said He would. What was wrong with me or with my relationship with Him that made Him delay it and make me wait? Maybe I didn't hear Him correctly, or maybe He didn't speak to me at all and maybe I was running headfirst in the wrong direction. Should I just start to act on things myself and hope for the best?

As these doubts began to take root in me, I reverted back to all of my old doer ways. I began to try to control the situation and make things happen in my time and in my ways, even though the whole time I knew I was wrong to do so. I was just so frustrated and impatient and confused. My brain was literally running a mile a minute with a million different thoughts and analyzing every possible thing, trying to figure it out. The questions that people usually ask when you're single like "why don't you try online dating?" or "what about so-and-so?" or "why don't you just ask so-and-so out?" that usually I would be so against were actually seeming like viable options, even though I knew God had something different for me.

I was thinking about this situation so much that I stopped focusing on how blessed I was in the present day and I let the enemy suck out so much of my true joy. There aren't really enough words to accurately describe how deep down in this doubt and confusion I got for a while. I kept asking God "why is this happening?" and "how much longer?" and "God please just bring him quickly" and I wasn't giving my all to my now and my purpose.

I stopped seeing the purpose in the process. I only saw my personal end goal, and not the fact that God felt that the journey was more important that the destination.

A few weeks ago, I picked up a book called "Wait and See" by Wendy Pope that I had in my room. I bought it months ago during a more optimistic period and started to read it, but became too frustrated in my personal waiting to continue reading. In the first chapter, she talks about David in Psalm 13 who was in his own "how long?" season. 

1 O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?

    How long will you look the other way?

2 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,

    with sorrow in my heart every day?

    How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

3 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!

    Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.

4 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”

    Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love.

    I will rejoice because you have rescued me.

6 I will sing to the Lord

    because he is good to me.

It is undetermined when David wrote Psalm 13, but his words give us a snapshot of his circumstances. He was living in a "how long" season and was at his wit's end. He asks four times "how long" just in the first two verses. In just a few short verses, his prayer changes from "how long" to "hallelujah". Through prayer, David remembered God's faithfulness and his ability to provide that He has shown time and time again. Had David's situation changed? Had his enemy suddenly decided to surrender. Of course not! Although David wasn't delivered from the situation and it wasn't solved, he was released from his despair, even though he still didn't know what would happen. 

Reading this struck such a heavy chord in me. Why was I trying to make things happen and doubt God just because of the sole reason that this waiting period was longer than I expected? Did the fact that nothing was happening in my ideal timeframe mean that it wouldn't happen at all? I realized that what we consider waiting or a pause, God actually defines as Him working in the heavenlies on things we cannot see. That is where trust and faith must kick in hardcore, and where I have to put my doer ways to work for God's purpose, not my own personal benefit. Wendy Pope writes, "We can trust God in our 'how long' waiting period. He will sustain us until He is ready to deliver us. And we can be confident that that our deliverance will be perfectly timed."

Philippians 4:6-7 says "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He's done. Then you will experience God's peace, which surpasses anything we can understand. His peace will guard your heart and mind as you live in Messiah Yeshua."

If you yourself are also in a waiting period or in a time of confusion about what God is doing, be encouraged by this: God never sits still. God is the ultimate doer. He is constantly at work crafting and executing the best and most perfect plans for our lives. All He asks in return is that we trust Him, not letting the enemy's seeds of doubt take root, and that we live with joy and praise to Him in our now. This journey is hard, no one ever promised it would be easy, but when we live it with joy and laughter and praise and peace, we will never fall short of the goodness God has for us. Just as Peter, when he was walking on water in Matthew 14, only began to fall when he took his eyes off of Yeshua, so we will only begin to fall and doubt when we take our eyes off of how good and able God is to meet all of our needs according to his perfect plan and all for His glory. 

My season of waiting isn't over, and I still haven't "the one". I still greatly long to be united with my future husband and begin our relationship together. None of that has gone away, but I am at peace, that goes beyond what I can figure out or make happen, because I trust in the one who knows how it all comes to be. I'm not saying this journey is now suddenly easy or that it doesn't come with struggles, because it certainly does, but I have learned that there is only one way to have pure joy and consistent faith. Every day, I must not ask "how long" or "why", but instead think and speak with purpose like James 1:2-4. 

"When troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."

Down Syndrome: Everything I Wish You Knew

I remember looking through the window at this tiny little baby in a yellow hat with jet black hair peaking out from underneath. I remember only thinking how adorable he was and how I couldn't wait to hold him, not noticing the almond shaped eyes or the health complications. I remember the weeks that followed where my parents and new baby brother spent a lot of time at the hospital. I remember going to visit, although Michael and I were not allowed down their specific hallway. Never once through all of this did I think about or realize how my view on life and all that I know would be drastically impacted by my little brother and his extra chromosome.

It's funny how differently you look at life and at people through a new set of eyes. Something that my parents have said over and over to Michael and me from the beginning is, "People won't always know how to treat him, and so they will look to you to set the example. So treat him how you want him to be treated, and they will follow suit". Although that's quite a high responsibility to put on us, we both know it to be true and have taken this on with pride. What I have realized is most people have never had any close interactions with someone with Downs and have no idea what they are capable of. This doesn't come out of rudeness or ignorance, just a lack of experience. As long as others are open to learning and growing and knowing more about him, I can completely appreciate and respect that. It's okay to not know, it's not okay to not try.

But you see, if I had a dollar for every time someone stared at Josh, gave him a "mhmm" rather than taking the time to understand what he is saying, or excluded him from a conversation, I would unfortunately be a millionaire. People with Downs often have low muscle tone, and that includes the muscles in their tongue, and they often have trouble with producing clear speech. Because of this, it can be difficult to understand sometimes what they are saying. It often means just taking that little bit of extra time to invest in the conversation, which actually means the world. Please know it isn't rude to ask one or two more times what Josh is saying. He, and I, would rather you do that than just pretend like you understand or turn to ask me as if he is speaking another language. Because Josh is such a great speller and oh so smart, he often can spell words for people when they can't understand what he is saying.

Something that hurts the deepest part of my heart is when people stare. It's like no one has ever seen someone with Downs before. I sometimes get so angry that I position myself between him and the person and glare at them with eyes that could shoot fire. What is even worse is that he knows that people stare at him. When he was little, he began asking "why are they staring at me?". We didn't know what to say, so we would just tell him "oh it's because you're so cute". But no one should have to be always stared at. He's just a normal person. That's where the phrase "person first" comes from and why you should say "a person with Down Syndrome", not "a Down Syndrome person".

The moments in life when I am the happiest all somehow involve Josh. I cry tears of joy and pride when I see him worshiping and dancing with all his heart, when I think of how hard he works and how far he's come, when I see him praying for someone, when I see people go above and beyond to be kind to him and allow him to shine, when I come home from a long day and get a running hug from him, and when he cries because I am crying. Another is when I see my friends or other people taking the time to truly build a meaningful friendship with him and invest in him. Those who do this best don't do it out of pity, don't treat him like a little kid, and don't assume automatically that he won't understand. They do it because they truly want to build a friendship and love him, and aren't hesitant or nervous about the "what if's'".

My family has what we call "The Josh Scale". This "scale" has proven to be the best judge of people's character and heart. Why? Because taking the time to build a true relationship with someone with a disability requires stepping outside of your comfort zone, putting forth more effort than you may in a "typical" friendship, and showing the kindest and truest form of your heart.

What most people who take the time to do so realize is that it really isn't all that hard to be friends with Josh. It's so easy that we have affectionately dubbed him Mr. Mayor since he talks to just about anyone anywhere. All you have to do to connect with him is talk about sports, pop culture, babies of all kinds, and most of all ask questions and answer his. He actually is the easiest person I know to talk to because he will never judge you or look down on you and will always be interested in talking with you.

Having Josh in my life has been the greatest blessing. I've learned patience like I never would have otherwise. I've gained such a heart for those who learn and act differently than I do. I've seen life through a pure set of eyes. I've experienced extreme love that never gives up. I've seen the power in creating a connection. I've seen God's miracles firsthand. And most of all, I've gained a best friend.

Should I Build An Altar?

Hebrews 13:10 - We have an altar from which those who minister at the tabernacle have no right to eat.

It’s hard to read through the Old Testament without reading about someone building an altar. I mean, the word “altar” is used 429 times in the Bible, for goodness sake! Noah built the first altar after the flood, which pleased the Lord and He promised there would never be a flood to wipe out creation again. Abraham built one to God after he passed through the land and the Lord promised to give the land to his descendents. In the New Testament, there is the ultimate altars built – the altar of the burnt offering and the altar of incense.

Every time I read about an altar in the Bible, I think to myself “I would never need to build an altar nowadays because no one makes physical sacrifices anymore. That’s some old time Bible tradition.”

When people in Biblical times built an altar, it was built as an act of worship, sacrifice, and renewal, and a marker of a big event or a revelation during their journey with the Lord. Although in modern days we don’t physically build an altar or make a physical sacrifice, these three steps (worship, sacrifice, and renewal) are still required in our relationship with the Lord and building an altar to Him.

People in Biblical times also built altars almost as a remembrance for any and all occasions – times of joy and sorrow, victory and defeat, repentance and celebration. We should do the same. We should mark every occasion that God brings to us by building an altar to God and worship Him, sacrifice our sins, and begin renewal to Him as we lay everything down on it. It is the act of stopping and giving the Lord all we have.

Now I am in no way saying we should stop in the middle of a workday or pull over on the side of the highway to find some rocks and build a physical altar to the Lord every time we feel called to worship Him, or sacrifice something of our flesh to Him, or be renewed in our mindset. Instead, we should stop to praise and adore God for who He is and what He has done. We should recognize that God is the only true God among widespread idolatry. We should stop to make a place among chaos to communicate with God and check our own actions. We should thank God for his almighty plan and promises through trials and tribulations.

Building an altar to the Lord has taken on a new form since Biblical times, but it still is a necessary part of recognizing who God is and solidifying our overwhelming need for Him to run our lives.

Are You Faithful?

Ever been in a situation where you feel like saying "God, where are you? Where is my blessing? Where is the good thing that you promised? What have I done wrong? Where did I miss up? What did I do to make you mad or upset?"

Well here's the thing... God's timing is never off. In fact it's always perfect. We're the ones who are off. We are the ones who need our timing to be readjusted. When we think that something is supposed to happen at a specific time or in a specific place, we often are going off of what we know from the world around us. But what we aren't thinking about is that timing isn't controlled by the world around us, and instead it is controlled by the grace of God. That grace of God is perfect and complete, lacking nothing. It lacks no good thing. 

So when we are faced with a trial or tribulation, we must look higher to the one who creates the earth and holds it in his hands. First of all, what a powerful image. Just picture God holding the world in his hand. I can hold a tennis ball in my hand. Not the earth where 7 billion people live. That's crazy. 

Secondly, James 1:2-4 says "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." 

Facing troubles isn't about becoming bitter or thinking the world or God is out to get you. It's an call to be glad that you are given the opportunity to become more in tune with God. If you place your eyes on God through the trial, He will refine you from a rock into a diamond. Come on, who doesn't want to be like a beautiful diamond?

But seriously, trust God. Trust that He will come through for you. Trust that He wants good things for you life. Trust that he will never fail you, even if what is happening isn't what or how you planned. Trust that no good thing will be withheld. Trust that God can and God will.

Are you willing to be faithful? Are you willing to stick with God through the trials and through the attacks? Are you willing to trust that even though you can't see it, that it doesn't mean there isn't good in the situation? Are you not only willing, but ready to do all of this? 

If you are, and even if you're not, pray through it. I love that phrase because it doesn't just mean "pray about it one and done and hope for the best". It means "pray over and over and over again until you see either a change in your situation or a change in your attitude and your heart".